I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
