Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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