you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My vagina just clenched in fear
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
