I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
