Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
