my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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