The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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