i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
