How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize