We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think people are normalizing furries
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
