I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
