when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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