I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
