And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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