I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
