sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
