My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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