Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
