i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
