Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
