i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
