watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
