I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
