I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
