i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
