that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
