Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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