Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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