You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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