That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
