saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
