I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
