i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
