Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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