When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
