before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
