In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We named our party play list daddy issues
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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