i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
