I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize