your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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