omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
