i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Randomize
