I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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