There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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