Even the bartender felt bad for me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
