I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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