In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
