My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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