I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
