Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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