this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
