The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
