Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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