I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
